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A Manly Cheese Tray


Included in picture: fanciness

I heard a ruckus today, asked my spawn what she was doing, “mystical monkey powers.” That seemed like a fair enough answer to warrant no further inquiries.


That’s just the way you pull together a cheese tray. Do what ya’ want by your own rules. Snacks are only constrained by what you have in your cupboards. You live it your way. The internets are filled with the proper method to do a cheese tray. It’s all complicated and very high class. I like things that are simple and make sense (exception: women). To those who will mock my cheese tray making abilities as pedestrian I say this. It’s a mystical monkey power, doll. My methods refute discussion. My cheese tray is awesome.

Look, kids, I’m all for putting out some chips and some salsa for a party. BUT, you’re a grown-up now. You don’t have to think or even act like a grown-up. Sometimes though, you have to pretend to be grown up. These things include:


Tire Changing

Drywall repair

Spider elimination

Non-compliant shoe shopping

List Making


…And the power over party trays. I’m not going to lie to you. Remove any of my delicate few manliness point you wish. Yet, I love cheese trays. I make them for lunch. I make them to watch football. I break them out for holidays and parties. If your masculinity is entwined in cooking, or the color pink, you’ve got larger issues.


Go buy:

1 soft cheese

1 semi-soft or semi-hard cheese

1 hard cheese

1 or 2 meats

2 spreads

Some crackers (not the saltines, or heck, the saltines)


Don’t over think this. Soft cheese is anything you can spread when it’s room temperature. Soft Cream cheese and those orange cheeseballs count. Camembert and feta do too. I prefer brie. Semi-soft or semi-hard has a huge range. These as the cheeses you would slice and are capable of living in your sandwich: cheddar, swiss, muenster, colby. My favorite is gruyere. A hard cheese is dry and crumbly. Heck, just go with a block of parmesan or asiago. There’s a long list, I’m just not up for it. Slice these into cracker sized cuts.


For your meats, I usually do some sliced summer sausage. Pepperoni works or even deli slices cut into bite sized pieces. For the spreads, I’m talking a spicy mustard, hummus or a sweet jam. For the base, I like Ritz crackers, but it’s your pantry. Put it all on a big plate.


For example

1 block of brie, cheddar, asiago, sliced salami, german mustard, apricot preserves, bagel chips.

For Christmas pie’s sake, stay away from those huge industrial grocery store pre-packaged trays. Those are for co-workers, not for you or your friends. There are more kinds of cheese than just white and yellow. Don’t be afraid to try a new varieties whilst shopping. If you loathe your purchase, it’s four bucks lost and mystical wisdom gained.

I swear, this all made sense when I wrote it. Anyway, a simple cheese tray for a simple man...


#cheesetray #fancy #theloathiest #meh

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