• theloathiest

Completely Liberal Mac and Cheese


Seriously, he loves me for me.

I have a sullen teenager. At least, I think I have a sullen teenager. I know she is still living in my house. I notice that the Mac and Cheese disappears from the cupboard. She goes for the microwaveable kind. I think she may be a liberal. Next, she’ll be questioning religion, reading “The Bell Jar” and wearing long pants. I’m going to leave a copy of “Guns and Ammo” and a copy of “The New Republic” outside her door – see which one she reads.


I can guess. “Dear Judge, I caught my Daughter with a Bernie Sanders flyer. I’d like to have her committed to a liberal aversion camp in Iowa.” She’ll spend all day reading Trump tweets and quietly watching Pat Robertson videos.


The least she can do is eat my mac and cheese. Right? Not to overshare, she once pooped on my head at Disney. We were in line for “It’s a Small World.” Never mind the minor details. Imagine It’s a Small World. Now imagine it with poo in your ear.


“Why didn’t you just get out of line,” you may ask. Well, you should have suggested that then. Now it’s just a bitter memory and a testimony of my love. I’m thinking of using this story for her wedding toast. It’s going to be a small wedding, I’m cheap. That will save her some embarrassment.


Currently, I’m realizing this story is the worst possible tie-in to a food recipe. Please, ignore everything you’ve just read. Instead, pretend I told you how through the power of cheese and forgiveness, I once saved a family of frogs from a storm drain. That would be a much better start to all of this.


(pause blog to watch Judge Judy)


“Let me explain something to you, Fresh Mouth: I'm the only one who makes jokes.”


(unpause blog)


Ingredients for two servings

4 slices of bacon

Small yellow or white onion, small diced

1 cups elbow macaroni

1 tablespoon butter

1 tablespoon flour

2 garlic cloves, chopped

1 cup milk

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese


First, chop, prep, and put the ingredients in little bowls. I have tiny little bowls that I like to put things like my prepped ingredients in. Recently I was told those bowls are for the cat. I didn’t know the cat could cook (Dad jokes).


Put a medium pot of water on. Salt it like the ocean. While that’s getting all boily, fry your bacon up to your preferred level of crispness. Do I need to tell you how to make bacon? Can I do that in another post? I’m feeling particularly lazy today.


Fine! Normally, I start the bacon in a cold cast iron skillet. I put the heat on medium and flip it obsessively until it’s crisp but not burnt. Place cooked bacon on a paper towel. Chop/crumble bacon when cool enough. Your water should be boiling now.


Add the pasta and cook till it’s al dente. Really, I can never get mine perfectly al dente. I’m a cook, not a chef. So, cook your pasta about 10 minutes. I suggest you do what the box of pasta says. Far be it from me to argue with Mr/Mrs Butoni. While pasta is cooking, add the butter to your medium hot bacon pan (sans bacon). Add the onions and sauté for about 5 minutes.


Add the garlic and cook that for only 30 seconds. It’s easy to burn garlic so be careful. Undercooked garlic is better than burnt garlic. Add the flour on top of all that. Cook for another minute. You’re totally building a roux for your sauce. Add the milk, bring to a gentle boil and cook for about a minute. You’re thickening the sauce up.


The pasta is getting close. Drain it when it’s done.


Turn the heat to lowish. Using small handfuls, stir in the cheese. Make sure every little handful is incorporated before you add the next handful. Stir constantly. Add pasta to sauce once the cheese is all in. Take off heat, stir in bacon. I like a little hot sauce on mine.


Eat dear child, eat.


Or don’t eat.


I guess you’ll eat when you’re hungry.


Since people usually don’t read this far, when I’m sad, I listen to Selena Gomez. I also mix my breakfast cereals. I once pooped on the front porch and blamed it on the cat. (I feel it necessary to add, “when I was a child” to that last one).


#macandcheese #theloathiest #meh #hotsauce #dog #dinner

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