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How Do I know if My Grilled Cheese Sandwich is a Drug Mule?


How can I tell if my grilled cheese is going to corrupt my children?

Open can. Make sandwich. Eat.


Who do I want to be? Do I want to be simple, and easy and laidback? Do I want to be layered, with depth? Do I care? Pick your mood. Choose your plate, choose your fate. Are you the kind of person who is going to take five minutes for the meal? Are you the kind of person who’s going to take 40 minutes, with a bunch of ingredients? Here’s the beauty, you’re both right.


I wish politics was like that. Hey, maybe we’re both right. We need to tailor our choices to meet our most urgent needs. Instead, ask the government for some soup and a sandwich. They’ll take your money and build a wall. I demand Mexico make my sandwich. Welcome to my stream of liberal consciousness.


Such is life.


There is a certain joy in being able to create a complete and delicious meal that involves 5 ingredients: milk, butter, can of soup, bread, cheese. You’ve got all of those in your cupboard now. OK, maybe you don’t have the milk, butter, and cheese in your cupboard. Let me start that over. You’ve got a minority of those ingredients in your cupboard now. You’ve got the majority in your fridge.


Easy Tomato Soup and Grilled Cheese

Open can of tomato soup, pour into pan. Heat on medium. Fill can with milk. Sploosh around with a spoon to clear the sides of stubborn soup. Add to pan. Simmer until you your sandwich is done.


For the sandwich, lightly butter two slices of bread. Use your favorite. Really, use what’s in your cupboard. I use sourdough if I have it. I must warn you, butter or mayo the outside. If you butter (or mayo) only the inside, please just go somewhere and buy soup and a sandwich. Anyway, butter the outside. Some folks swear by using mayo on the outside. I’m not opposed. Both are solid. SOLID I SAY.


Place cheese in the middle. Use your favorite. I have a thing for pepper jack these days. Though, I gotta tell you a few slices of processed American cheese works great. Over medium heat on your favorite grill pan, toast both sides. It should take four or five minutes a side. Hey, I can’t tell you exactly. I don’t know how your burner works or how golden you like your sandwich.


In the words of Woodrow Wilson, “The government is not here to tell you how to like your grilled cheese. The government is here to facilitate your enjoying the freedoms of your grilled cheese.” I’ve placed a little wall around mine in case it’s muslim or harbors heroine instead of havarti. You can’t be too careful these days.


Here’s what you do if you’re going to make your own tomato soup – which I recommend. Ree Drummond has the best recipe for tomato soup. I’m going to borrow liberally from her. I lazy it up a bit. Where she spends her efforts using quality ingredients and time-tested cooking methods, well, I use my time posting pictures of cats on Twitter (@theloatiest).


Almost Her Tomato Soup

6 tablespoons of butter

1 medium white or yellow onion (again, you can’t trust the yellow ones – hence my wall)

About 28 ounces of crushed tomatoes (will requires maths at the grocery shelf)

46 ounce can or bottle of tomato juice

4 tablespoons of sugar

2 tablespoons dried basil

2 tablespoons dried parsley

1 cup sherry (your grandma used to get schnockered on this watching Perry Mason)

1 ½ cups heavy cream or milk


So, melt the butter in a large dutch oven. (note to self: don’t be crude here). Sweat the onions over medium heat for 10 minutes – or until you think you’re going to burn them. Add the crushed tomatoes, tomato juice, and sugar, basil and parsley. Simmer gently while you make your sandwich.


Make your sandwiches!!! See above.


When your sandwiches are done. Take the soup off the heat. Add sherry, milk and season with salt and pepper. Take your hand blender (note to you: get a hand blender), and puree it all together. I demand to be layered and depthful (not a word), so I like the long way best. The short way, nothing wrong with that. Just eat and enjoy your life.


The Masked Singer is on the DVR. I’m going to go watch. I’m definitely not the Bee, in case you were wondering.

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