• theloathiest

How to Drive Like Part of the Human Race

I think for a lot of folks, the contractions squeezing us into real life begins with our driving permit. Permit equals joyous freedom from parents and van pools. It’s a way to take friends anywhere you please without the purview of parents. You can go to Denny’s any time you like (the good one on the other side of town). You can say you’re going to Dave’s and go to Rush Street instead. I mean, you’ll probably wind up at Denny’s just the same.

Here’s the thing about road retaliation. It makes you the bad guy. Better to mumble whatever voodoo curse you normally have on your lips and drive on. Let the bad guy remain the bad guy. You keep your composure and go on your way. Everyone will get where they are supposed to be eventually. Driving like an idiot only makes it worse. Retaliating against a bad driver increases the worsosity of the situation.

Anyway, let’s get straight to the rules.

1. Don’t act like a dick.

2. Get a license. I mean, come on.

3. Use your turn signal. It’s not for your benefit. It’s for the poor schmuck who has the displeasure of driving in your world.

4. Let people merge.

5. Pass on the left. Drive on the right.

6. Always have insurance. If you can afford it, pay for comp and collision. Comp covers the other person if you’re at fault. Collision covers your car if you’re at fault. Also, get un-insured motorist coverage. If someone who doesn’t have insurance hits you,that covers you.

7. Make sure you get your oil changes. Keep up the maintenance on your vehicle.

8. No one cares about your bumper stickers. If that’s your outlet for anger, well, you have deeper problems. I suggest counseling.

9. Everyone in the car wears a seatbelt.

10. Don’t throw your cigarette butts out the window.

11. Don’t cut in line using the open lane. You know who you are. I don’t like you.

12. If you are in a Wrangler or riding a motorcycle, rules of the road you wave at like vehicles. I mean, some other vehicles do this. I think. I don’t know, what do BMW drivers do? Handjobs?

13. Don’t tailgait. Don’t brake check someone who does. Let those idiots pass you. That’s a problem within them. Don’t make it a problem within you.

14. Buy American if you can. It’s not a hard and fast rule. Detroit needs our help though.

15. Carpool and take mass transit when possible.

16. To avoid tickets, stay no more than 5 over the limit. Don’t speed through town. Never speed in a school zone.

17. Stop fully at stop signs. Again, this one isn’t for you, it’s for the people in neighborhoods you drive in. You don’t have to stop long. If two cars meet simultaneously at a stop sign, car on the right goes first.

18. Don’t text, email, check facebook – anything on your phone whilst driving. You can use your GPS. Grown-ups don’t need to text every five seconds while barreling down the road. You’re going to kill someone. That’s not bluster. That’s the truth. No one should ever die for the sake of cat memes. Don’t do it. You should make fun of people who do.

19. Small children go in a car seat. Don’t kill a kid because you’re a lazy asshole.

20. Never drive drunk, buzzed, overly tired. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Rides are cheap. Let your friends, family, you are available to drive them if they’ve been drinking. Make sure it’s a no questions asked, zero attribution/retribution deal. If they need a ride, give them to it out of love and courtesy for the rest of the world.

See, isn't that easy.

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