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It's Chili Mac Outside


Worst Pun Ever

Snow. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be in it. It’s cold. Insert non-sequitur. When I was much younger, I posted a recipe for chili, https://www.theloathiest.com/post/uncle-dan-s-chili. Hark, here’s how to use it for several days. Now, the order is sacred among my people. Flex it at you your own peril.


Day One – Uncle Dan’s Chili

Day Two – Chili 5 Ways

Day Three – Chili Dogs


On day four, I to take it in the shower and sing show tunes to it. Full stop. At this point, I would like to establish the line between realism and Rule 34. Oh look, there it is.


Now some people call this Chili Mac. Some call it Chili 5 Ways. In the depths of the Midwest, where I was born and raised (playground is where I spent most of my days), we call it Chili 5 Ways. Some call it a Kaiser Blade. Feel free to call it Stuart for all I care. It matters little.


Now the recipe is very simple.

· Left over chili (way one) with beans (way two) - get it from a can if you must

· Elbow Macaroni or any noodle at all (way three)

· Cheese (way four)

· Chopped red onions (way five)


Boil your noodles in heavily salted water. Heat up your chili. Place pasta in a bowl, chili over pasta, cheese over chili, onions over cheese. Yep, doesn’t get much easier than that.

See what we’ve done there? We’ve made happiness two days in a row. Speaking of nothing in particular, I was trying to explain to my spawn what “blackmail” meant. I’m sure she must have learnt the word whilst watching Disney because she couldn’t possibly have learned it watching reruns of Sherlock with her father.


I explained to her that it’s a threat made silent for a cash payout. For instance, I might approach her and threaten to tell her friends she still sleeps with Pooh Bear if she doesn’t clean her room. She pondered.


“Like if I told your friends you sing show tunes in the shower,” the spawn replied, “if you didn’t give me twenty dollars.”


“Yes, just like that,” I said.


“No, seriously Dad, you sing show tunes in the shower.” The spawn catches on quick.

So, I’m now out twenty bucks. Anyway, don’t fear leftovers. Fear your children.

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