• theloathiest

Old People Cabbage Soup (that's me, just so you know)

Eat while complaining about millenials

Middle aged is briskly upon me. Now it is an absolute fact. Without a doubt, I am old.

Upon whence did this thought finally hit me? Was it when my barber spend more time trimming my ears than my hair? No. Was it when my devil, toilet clogging spawn turned 20? Nope. Was it even when I found that my back hair was turning a magnificent silver, a color normally reserved Senatorial candidates? Not even. It was when I sat down, hungry, and thought, “hmmm, what I’d really like today is some cabbage soup.”

The beginning of the end is obviously upon me.

A vast search of the internet reveals this recipe as either “inside-out” or “deconstructed” cabbage soup. I’d like to think it as “I made this instead of getting a convertible” cabbage soup. Hence, it not only will satisfy your hunger, but it is the surefire cure for your mid-life crisis. I made this bowl of awesomeness and then spent the rest of the evening looking for risqué pictures of the Golden Girls. All praise the internets.

· A few splashes of olive oil

· 1 to 2 pounds of ground turkey or beef

· 1 large onion, chopped

· 1 clove garlic, minced or some of that from a jar which I love shamelessly

· 1 small cabbage, chopped

· 2 cans (14.5 ounces each) diced tomatoes

· 1 can (8 ounces) tomato sauce

· ½ cup water (or broth)

· 1/2 teaspoon black pepper

· 1 teaspoon salt

· Your favorite rice to go underneath (if you like)

As I’ve mentioned in my thousands (maybe a dozen) of previous posts, cooking is relative. Put in what you like in a recipe. The only two requirements are salt and love. I am so sweet. Let me start out by saying most recipes call for 1 ½ pounds of ground something. Really? Most fancy tubes of ground meat are one pound. So either go with 1 pound, use two pounds. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find 1 ½ pounds of meat. This is the best ratio but not mandatory.

Anyway, put a little olive oil in your biggest pot. Brown your ground meat with your chopped up onion on your medium heat. This is one of the few dishes where I say ground turkey is better than ground beef. Judge away if you must. When it’s nice and brown, add your garlic and stir around for about a minute.

Then, and this is the tricky part. Add everything else. It looks like you have a huge mound of cabbage in there. I promise you, it will cook down. Bring it up to a boil, cover, reduce to medium low, and simmer for 25 minutes.

In the meantime, minute brown rice takes about 12 minutes, go figure, on the stovetop. I’m not going to tell you how to make whatever rice floats your boat. You see only one set of footprints on the beach. That’s me not telling you how to make rice. I nuke mine and sloop it on the bottom of the bowl. Ladle my old man soup on top. Look, this is actually really good. I mean that. Apparently it’s also good for your colon. I worry.

Please send wool socks and flannel. Ladle up a bowl. Go sit on the porch and yell at the kids for playing in your yard.

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