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Totally Not Rice Krispie Treats


I used the google machine to see if I can call the Rice Krispie Treats. To be honest, I’m still not sure. For the sake of argument, let’s call them Marshmallow Treats and be done with it. The internet hasn’t failed me this bad since I tried to find footwear at a well known sporting goods store by image searching “Dick’s Shoes.” You’d be surprised….


Anyway, this recipe needs to be in your repertoire. I’m telling you, this will melt the heart of the Milfy curmudgeon you seek.


“Here Milfy Curmudgeon, I made you some marshmallow treats. Oh, and I accidently put the malevolent cat in the toilet. Come and give me some sugar.”


“Oh you brooding man, I love you. I love you!” (or “I am somewhat fond of you.” Or “Let’s go bowling.” It all depends on the current nature of your relationship.)


This is not an idle nor empty promise. Men who bake sweets are adorable and useful, which is difficult to pull off. And since we’re just bs’ing here, while I was replacing “Rice Krispie Treats” with “Marshmallow Treats” I took a second to see what else that nefarious switch worked for. So, take any topic and find some nice quotes about it. Replace the subject of that topic with Marshmallow treats.


Enemies: The best weapon against a Marshmallow Treat is another Marshmallow Treat. - Friedrich Nietzsche


War: Mankind must put an end to Marshmallow Treats before Marshmallow Treats put an end to mankind. – JFK


Love: A flower cannot blossom without sunshine. A man cannot live without Marshmallow Treats. – Max Muller


Horses: Get off your Marshmallow Treats and drink your milk. – John Wayne


Anyway, you get the general idea. It also works with sex acts. I tried that in the vanpool today. I giggled and felt very awkward. Never giggle in a vanpool of middle aged men while replacing the word “winter” with various bedroom gymnastics. There is so much wrong with all of that. I’m babbling. On to the show.


· 5 Tablespoons of salted butter

· ¼ teaspoon salt

· 1 bag of mini marshmallows (6 cups)

· 6 Cups of Crisp Rice Cereal (I’m totally not talking about Rice Krispies)

· Rainbow Sprinkles


Yes, I said damned rainbow sprinkles. I’ve been to war. I can eat rainbow sprinkles out of the rear end of a glittered fluffy bunny while wearing a cardigan and listening to Nelson if I damned well wanted to.


Grease a 9x13 pan with one tablespoon of butter. Melt your remaining four tablespoons of butter in large pan on low heat. Once butter is melted, add the salt and about 5 and 1/2 cups of marshmallows to the pan and continue to stir very frequently as they melt. Once all the marshmallows are melted, add the cereal and stir until evenly coated. Add final 1/2 cup of marshmallows to mixture. Give it a couple more quick stirs and then pour it out into your pan.

Press into pan using wax paper, plastic wrap, a buttered spatula, your socks. Whatever.

Add manly rainbow sprinkles when pressing into the pan. Let them or let them not cool a little before eating. You can thank me later.

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